The Han Solo Show 2: Too Hot For Fanfiction.net
by Twoie
Summary: Back by VERY popular demand, the Han Solo Show returns with a side-splitting second installment! If you liked the first one, you'll like this one too! Features a new co-host as well! R/R Pleeze


The Han Solo Show Too Hot For Fanfiction.net By The Great 2ie  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: You asked for it, you got it! Another installment of the Han Solo show! This time we go all out and bring you some wild guests and wild topics! Enjoy! Oh yes, and to review, you gotta send me an email cos apparently fanfiction.net isn't letting you read your own reviews anymore. By the way, these characters are not mine. That's right officer, I couldn't have done it. These characters aren't mine, I've never seen them before! Okay, enjoy! ;-)  
  
CROWD: Cheering SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! VOICE: Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please welcome Chewbacca's best friend. Han Solo!!!! CROWD: cheers louder SOLO: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! CROWD: cheering louder SOLO: Alright, let's settle down! CROWD: SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO: Hey, I said be quiet! CROWD: SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO: Fires blaster into audience. Crickets. SOLO: Thank you! Welcome to the show! We have some crazy stuff in store for you today! But first, I want to introduce my new co-host, Miss Mander! Let's hear it for her! CROWD: Clapping, cheering, and whistling MM: waves heeeeey there! SOLO: Ok, let's meet our first guest. Please welcome back young Darth Vader! CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! VADER: Oh, whateva! Whateva! gives the finger on both hands Shut your holes! SOLO: When Vader was last on our show, we found out that his wife, Padme, had been sleeping with his master, Emperor Palpatine. Well, Vader's back to tell her that he was doing some "extracurricular activities" as well! CROWD: Oooooooooh! VADER: That's damn right, Solo! I'm the type of guy who, y'know, y'all can't stay with just one girl, na'mean? I gotta get some varied action, y'know, a little variety! CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOO! MM: Yeah, why would ANY girl want to sleep with you anyways? You ain't DAMN near hot as Tenchi! CROWD: cheering wildly VADER: Shut the fu(BEEP)ck up you little bastards! Raises his hand to choke them, but it doesn't work hey! HEY! What the fu(BEEP)ck is goin on? SOLO: smirking we had an anti-Force generator installed in here. VADER: Son of a bi(BEEP)tch! SOLO: So anyway, first let's bring out your wife. Here's Padme! CROWD: cheering, clapping, and whistling PADME: comes out dressed very little ahh, thank you! Thank you! blows kisses at them CROWD: TAKE ME HOME! TAKE ME HOME! TAKE ME HOME! PADME: laughing Take a number boys! And you girls too! I don't care, yo! CROWD: laughs MM: Oh whatever! We ALL know Ryoko is sooooo much hotter than that skank! SOLO: Welcome back, Padme. PADME: Sure thing, honey! I want to come back as much as I can! SOLO: Really? PADME: Hell yeah! Last time after the show, I got booty from 10 guys backstage! waves to steve hiiiii steve, big boy! STEVE: covers his face with his hood and whimpers SOLO: O.k. well, your husband Vader wants to tell you something. PADME: turns to Vader talk to me, hot stuff VADER: First of all, don't call me that. I know I got maaad pissed when I found out you was sleepin with Palpatine. PADME: oh you don't gotta worry bout that no more, honey. I kicked him off my ship! Bastard's prolly fallin past the Tatooine system by now. VADER: right, well, I guess I shouldn't have been angry, because I was cheating on you at the same time. PADME: WHAT? WHAT THE FU(BEEP)CK DID YOU SAY, BI(BEEP)TCH? VADER: That's right, ho! But see it's all good cos a guy like me needs some variety, you know, I can't just stay with one woman. PADME: A guy like you needs to be sliced in half and fed to the banthas! Who you been fu(BEEP)ckin with? SOLO: Let's bring her out! Here's Miss Crabtree! CROWD: goes nuts MCT: Yeah, that's right! Yeah! goes over to vader Kiss me, hottie! Oh I guess you can't. CROWD: YOU'RE A SLUT! YOU'RE A SLUT! YOU'RE A SLUT! MCT: BE QUIET UP THERE!!!!!!! crickets PADME: Oh my God! OH my motherfu(BEEP)ckin God! stands in front of vader What the fu(BEEP)ck are you doing?? What the fu(BEEP)ck are you doing with this old bit(BEEP)ch?? Huh? You blind, you motherfu(BEEP)cker? MCT: WHAT DID YOU SAY????? VADER: Oh sit the fu(BEEP)ck down, bit(BEEP)ch! She know how to please a man. MCT: That's right, honey. PADME: YOU shut up! You're nothing but an old dirty slut! MCT: WHAT did you say???? PADME: I said you're an old dirty slut! MCT: Oh.well all right then. VADER: But hey baby, don't sweat it, we can still fu(BEEP)ck! Na'mean I still eat y'all and all that. I still love you. PADME: You make me sick! I don't want fu(BEEP)ckin NOTHIN to do with y'all! Ever again! CROWD: cheering MCT: BE QUIET UP THERE!!! VADER: oh come on, baby! Come on! PADME: No! I wouldn't even consider it! VADER: Why? PADME: Cause I got a girlfriend. CROWD: goes wild WE LOVE LESBIANS! WE LOVE LESBIANS! MM: Speaking of which.giggling did you hear?? Ryoko is in love with Tenchi! Wooo! SOLO: Riiiiight. We'll meet Padme's girlfriend when we come back! CROWD: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! ANNOUNCER: Are you or someone you know having a gay or lesbian affair? Do they want to confront their lovers about it? If so please call 1-888-HEY SOLO. COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
WATTO: Hey there! If you're looking for a brand-a spanking new landspeeder, then come on down to Mos Espa Landspeeder warehouse! We've-a got the hugest selection anywhere on Tatooine! If you don't have good credit, no problem! We'll get you approved anyway, and then you'll give us credit! Just don't give us Republic credits, huh? Hehehhe. Call us today! 1-555-2912!  
  
VOICE: And now, welcome back to the Han Solo show! CROWD: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! MISS MANDER: Welcome back!! Hee hee hee! Solo is in the bathroom, so I'm hosting! Yay! Okay, the news of the day! Let's see.Oh yes, our top story! Ryoko's my hero!!! puts finger to her ear what? What? Whaaaat? Oh, fine. Heh heh, sorry folks, forgot we were doing a show here. AHEM! So.we're talking with Darth Vader and his wife, Padme. VADER: She ain't my wife no more, Mander. PADME: Oh shut up, I don't want your quarter-inch killer anyway. MM: That's MISS mander, and don't ya be forgetting the Miss! So we found out that Vader has been sleeping with the UGLY Miss Crabtree. MCT: WHAT DID YOU SAY???? MM: I said you're ugly. MCT: Oh, ok. That's what I thought you said. MM: But Padme really doesn't mind because she's been cheating on Vader with another woman! CROWD: cheers MM: Hey, shut up! CROWD: WE LOVE LESBIANS! WE LOVE LESBIANS! MM: Throws a self-destructing Tenchi Muyo tape into the crowd and they shut up. So let's meet Padme's girlfriend! Here's Pamela Anderson Lee! CROWD: goes absolutely nuts YOU ARE SEXY! YOU ARE SEXY! YOU ARE SEXY! PL: Yeah, that's right! I am sooo sexy yo! lifts up her shirt CROWD: screams PL: Oh, whatever! You ain't gonna get with me anyway. sits down next to Padme VADER: Holy fu(BEEP)ckin sh(BEEP)it!!! You slut! You ho! PADME: It's like this, vader baby, only a woman knows what another woman needs, understand? It's nothin against you, hon. turns to pamela and starts making out with her MM: Hey! Hey! None of that here! they keep making out MM: raises her hand and the two fly to opposite ends of the stage VADER: hey! I thought you had an anti-force generator! MM: grins I know. It doesn't affect hosts! Mwaaaa! VADER: Well, Padme, before you put your tongue back in her mouth, I gotta tell you that I've been sleeping with her too. CROWD: cheers wildly PADME: WHAT????? MCT: WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!! PL: Hey! Before we start kickin the crap outta each other, I have an idea! It's called timeshare!!! silence for a moment VADER: well.i.I suppose. PADME: Yeah, why the hell not? MCT: I'm sorry, I have to go drive the kids to school. PL: Yeah, go drive your tongue in some other guy's mouth MCT: WHAT did you say??? MM: Boy you don't know how to say much, do you?  
  
MCT: WHAT did YOU say????? MM: We'll be back after this! And oh yes, Ayeka stinks! crowd MANDER! MANDER! MANDER! ANNOUNCER: Have you ever made a video tape of you having sex? Do you want to share it with us? If so, please send it to: The Han Solo Show, 1222434 Jabba Court, Planet 6 of the Dantooine System. COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
MACE WINDU: Are you worried that someone is cheating on ya? Do you want to find out? I'm Mace Windu! Call me now! flash He's a tall man? Very muscular? VOICE: yes, that's right! MACE: Well, honey I got bad news for ya. he's been usin steroids. VOICE: .really? MACE: ya-huh. You need to find yourself a NATURAL man, sweetheart! flash and you think he's cheating on you? VOICE: yup. MACE: Oh, ya got nothin to worry about, baby! He's not that type of man! flash Call me now for your FREE Force readin'! Let me tell you everything! I wanna hear from ya, baby!  
  
ANNOUNCER: And now, welcome back to The Han Solo Show! CROWD: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO: throws a grenade into the audience. Silence Thank you! Boy I just got back from the bathroom.boy is my ass tired! CROWD: crickets MISS MANDER: laughing hysterically, on the floor SOLO: Thanks, Miss Mander. MM: stands up so tell me, Solo, what do you like better, noodles or me? SOLO: Ummmm.you of course. MM: jumps up and down he likes me! he likes me! starts kissing him SOLO: pushes her off right, whatever! Now let's move on! MM: standing next to him, quietly whispering "he likes me! he likes me!" SOLO: Our next topic today is: What I do for money! CROWD: Ooooooh! SOLO: Please welcome Princess Leia Organa! She's the adopted Princess of the late planet Alderaan. LEIA: Waaaaaaaaaaah! My home.. SOLO: And the soon-to-be wife of..me! MM: HEY! I thought you said you liked ME! SOLO: That's a little different than being in love with someone. MM: Well fine then! I'm getting married to 2ie anyway, so NYAH! crosses her arms and pouts SOLO: Riiiiiiiiiight. So anyway, welcome to the show, Leia. LEIA: rolls eyes whatever. SOLO: So Leia, we understand that you do something REALLY strange to make a living. Tell us about it. LEIA: I make sheet cakes with my nude picture on them. CROWD: goes crazy MM: sets a Tenchi doll down in one of the chair rows and pulls the string. It waddles around then explodes in a huge blast. There is silence. Mwaaaa! President Bush says "Don't mess with Texas," but I say "Don't mess with Tenchi!" SOLO: ANYway. that is.unusual, Leia. Do you have one with you? LEIA: I have three of them Solo. Bring em out! STEVE AND OTHER TUSKEN RAIDERS: bring out 3 large cakes. The first one has Leia butnaked on a chair of the Millenium Falcon SOLO: WHEN THE HELL WAS THAT TAKEN?????? The second one shows Leia on all fours on a stage in a cantina, and the third one shows her sitting between Yoda and Mace Windu in the Jedi Temple CROWD: going absolutely bonkers SOLO: SHUT UP! CROWD: doesn't shut up SOLO: I SAID SHUT UP!!! CROWD: STILL doesn't listen Death star fires a weak blast into the audience. Two whole rows vanish off the face of the earth. CROWD: NOW they're quiet MM: God damn, why won't you people listen? I mean, Ryoko is SUCH a good listener! If Tenchi says "Kiss me, ryoko" then she does it! No question! Or if he says "Ryoko, I want you to take off." SOLO: Right, right right! Of course! Anyway, um.so how do you make a living off of this, Leia? LEIA: I make 5,000 credits a cake, Solo. And I want y'all to have some! Come on down here, guys! CROWD: all the guys bolt down to the stage and start stuffing the cake in their faces. One guy cuts out the piece with her (UH-OH) and puts it in his pocket. There is so much noise nobody can hear themselves speak SOLO: Jesus tap-dancing christ, Miss Mander, this crowd is the most unruly bunch of people I have EVER met. MM: turns away don't talk to me. You're getting married to that.that.SLUT, and you said you don't like me! SOLO: Um.okay. We'll be back! nothing happens We'll be back!!!! still nothing Oh for john's sakes. WE'LL BE BACK flashes on the screen COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
JABBA: Are you thinking of refinancing your skyhook or moisture farm? Are you unsure as to what options you have or the benefits of doing this? Then call us. Jabba, Crumb, Fett, and Fortuna. We can help you understand the advantages of refinancing your propertai today! In the field of money consolidation, Jabba, Crumb, Fett, and Fortuna is held in the highest authoritai by the public. So if you want all the info you need, call us today at: 1-333-777-1003! BIB FORTUNA: whispering refinance rather than fight? They're no investors. JABBA: Shut up you idiot! The camera's still running! Bosca!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Han Solo show! CROWD: SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO: HADOOKEN!!! throws a fireball into the audience. Silence SOLO: Grinning don't ask me how I did that. MM: How did you do that? SOLO: Trade secret. So welcome back. MM: Oh okay.first you reject me then you keep secrets from me. You know what, Solo, I'm gonna go in the back room and watch Tenchi Muyo.you can come get me when you think you can be nice. Steve, you wanna watch it with me? STEVE: grunts, picks up his ghaffi stick and starts to walk back with her SOLO: Miss Mander, I'm sorry! MM: Prove it! SOLO: I will.after the show MM: jumps up and down oh boy oh boy oh boy! runs and stands next to solo come on let's get this show over with! SOLO: That's what I've been trying to do since we got back from the break!!! MM: tears in her eyes now you're yelling at me! I'm sooooo outta here! goes backstage SOLO: Riiiiiight. Well, our final topic today is: I'M NOT GAY! Please welcome Samuel L. Jackson. SLJ: Thank you. SOLO: Now, Mr. Jackson, a lot of people think that you're gay. Why is that? SLJ: Solo, it is the most fu(BEEP)cked up sh(BEEP) in the world. Just cos I have a purple lightsaber, everyone thinks that I'm fightin for gay rights or some sh(BEEP)it. I ain't gay! SOLO: But as we understand, you chose to have a purple lightsaber. SLJ: ..well, yeah, but. CROWD: YOU ARE GAY! YOU ARE GAY! YOU ARE GAY! SLJ: Shut the fu(BEEP)ck up! You don't know fu(BEEP)ckin sh(BEEP)it about me! Sit the fu(BEEP)ck down! SOLO: Well, you may claim to the end of the galaxy that you're not gay, but we can prove you wrong. CROWD: ooooooooh! SLJ: What the fu(BEEP)ck are you talkin about? SOLO: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Garrison! GRSN: comes out and waves MR.HAT: Boy these people sure are noisy, Mr. Garrison. GRSN: They sure are Mr. Hat. SLJ: Garrison???? What the fu(BEEP)ck are YOU doing here? SOLO: We all know that Mr Garrison is gay, and. GRSN: singing hey there, sh(BEEP)itty shi(BEEP)tty fag fag, shi(BEEP)tty shi(BEEP)tty fag fag, how do ya do? How do ya do? Hey there. SOLO: Riiiight.well, Mr. Garrison claims that he had sex with you on several occasions. GRSN: Yes, and Mr. Hat even videotaped it. SLJ: Yeah, but.I ain't gay! SOLO: Did you have sex with another guy? SLJ: Solo, I. SOLO: Did you have sex with another guy????!!! SLJ: well, yeah, but. SOLO: Uhp! That's it! You're gay! SLJ: But I. SOLO: Shhh! SLJ: I. SOLO: Shh! SLJ: Solo. SOLO: Click onto shh.com! GRSN: Solo, that scene became totally not funny about 5 years ago. SOLO: Oh yeah? Oh yeah??? C'mon, bit(BEEP)ch! C'mon! GRSN: Careful, Solo. Mr. Hat knows Tai Quon Do. SOLO: yeah whatever! starts circling Garrison, then in the next instant he's lying up on the top row of the audience uhhhh.we'll.be back.baby. CROWD: GARRISON! GARRISON! GARRISON! SOLO: HEY!!!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK VOICE: Coming soon to a theater near you.Brad Pitt's butt! Critics say "Brad Pitt's Butt" is amazing! Rex Reed says "Brad Pitt's Butt" is sure to win best performance by a butt! So don't miss Brad Pitt's Butt! It's the best moon of the year!  
  
FROM NEW JERSEY, THIS IS A PDG NETWORK NEWS UPDATE. NOW, PAUL G. PAUL: Thanks, Tom. Good evening, this is what I randomly pulled out of a hat, and am calling news. Paul McCartney gets married to a famous model, and we have the shaky, blurred video taken from a helicopter to prove it. Plus, Star Wars Episode 2 has been recorded as been number 1 at the box office longer than any other Star Wars film. If you only see one movie this year.you really should see more movies. They're fun. It's dark, people are laughing.  
  
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Han Solo show! CROWD: MANDER! MANDER! MANDER! MM: Thank you! Thank you! I love you all! Solo is being punished for being so rude to me..fufufufu. so now I will take questions from the audience! WOMAN: Yeah this is for the old lady banger in black.I know y'all guys is desperate for booty, but bangin THAT old bag? Puh-leeze! A Sith like you could do sooooo much better! VADER: Hey you know, booty's booty! I gotta get my kicks in before I go sterile, na'mean? It's all good MAN: Hey Leia, if I "give you some," will you give me a free cake? LEIA: Honey, you gonna have to "gimme some" for three days straight if y'all want a free cake offa me. MAN: Hey! No problem! I'll be over at 8! LEIA: I'm jokin wit you, fool! You ain't getin NOTHIN free off this body! Uh-huh, yeah that's right! ANOTHER MAN: Yeh this is for Miss Crabtree.I know a woman such as yourself must need some lovin badly, but I don't see how you can do any of it with armored man here. Ah mean, you can't kiss him, you can't grab him, he can't put his. MM: Oooookay! Next question! WOMAN: This is a question for Mr. Garrison. I know you's gay, but is Mr. Hat gay? Cos he look like a FINE piece o' puppet! MR.HAT: You can take me home anytime, hot stuff! GRSN: Mr.Hat! How could you? ANOTHER WOMAN: Hey Padme! You wanna get it on? MM: Please don't answer that! Okay last question! MAN: Now, Montell I think we all forgettin somethin very important. I mean, I know he DID touch some children, but the man's a great singer! The greatest ever! I mean, he DID touch some children, but he's Michael Jackson, for cryin out loud! Michael Jackson! CROWD: quiet a moment, then cheers SAME MAN: And besides, Montell, we all wanna touch children at some point. It's only natural! MM: Okay then! Well. VOICE FROM BEHIND MM: I have a question MM: turns Solo!!! How did you break free?? SOLO: That's not relevant right now. I was going to ask you how long you're gonna keep Tenchi waiting in the back room. MM: WHAAAT? TENCHI'S HERE???? OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!! runs backstage like lightning SOLO: chuckling gets her every time. Well, thanks for coming on the show everybody, and I hope you can work out your differences. turns to camera You know, sometimes we all find ourselves in situations that aren't pretty, but we are there whether we like it or not and we just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes it is unbearable, while other times it is downright ridiculous. What am I referring to? George W. Bush running America. Well, that's all for this show! Until next time, take care of yourself, and.well, that's all I know how to do! Goodnight! CROWD: cheering SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
THE END!!! This story written, edited, and published by The Great 2ie! Sideshowmel601@aol.com 


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